The Beauty of Pregnancy: Or How Pregnancy Turned Me Into An Old Man

My pregnant days are numbered. Just two to go. Yippee! It's not that pregnancy isn't miraculous and wonderful. It is. But it has a lot of side effects. And they aren't always pretty. I think it started with pregnancy congestion and a nasty hacking cough I had for weeks. It reminded me of an old man's cough. Deep and guttural. The kind that sends your co-workers into a vitamin popping, purell over-using panic. And then as the alien in my belly started taking up more space I noticed other things that reminded me of the male geriatric set. Like getting out of chair. Once a simple motion, now a major event accompanied by groans. There is strategy in pushing yourself out of a chair, standing up nearly straight, teetering into the final position and then walking away from the chair. And there are lots of other things too:

-Young people (under 25) look at me funny and don't know how to relate to me
-Old ladies love me
-Dinner at 5, in bed by 9
-I listen to NPR a lot (that one is probably a coincidence)
-Acid indigestion, acid reflux, the whole acid inducing family
-I spend a lot of time at the doctor's office
-I use the bathroom as often as an old guy with an enlarged prostate
-I move at a snail's pace
-I drive slow and cautiously and yell at other drivers
-I have lost my patience for small children (including my own)
-If something falls on the floor it is bound to stay there for awhile or I may find myself also stuck on that floor for good while.
-My pants have 2 fits: hiked up over the belly or sitting just under it
-I'm cranky and expect everyone to do things my way
-I'm tired
-A good day is spent lying on the couch in front of the tv

Let's face it. The biggest miracle here is that my husband has not run away screaming. I'm looking forward to losing my old man traits and despite his protests that I am not bigger than I was with Finn and assurances that yes, I am beautiful, I am sure Jason is too.